Avoidance

I have this great defense mechanism. Great, in that it lets me do everything else I have to do without thinking about what really needs to be done. I can just push it back and keep on going. Here's the downside -- when I turn around and finally face what I've been pushing behind me, what I have is a big old can of ugly. And that it what leads me here, to where I am now.

I am 25 lbs overweight. I think. I've been avoiding the scale for 4 months. I have a plan to get back to a healthy weight, and I actually started it the week before Thanksgiving. I thought it would be ok, and it was until the day after Thanksgiving. Then it all sort of went to hell.

I had thought about blogging about my journey when I started it three weeks ago. But then I would have to be accountable, and that really goes against the avoidance grain. So I didn't. Sure, I told my husband and sister my plans, but they love me even when I don't follow through. It wasn't a very big risk. When I fell right off the treadmill I didn't even have to worry about disappointing anyone.

So this blog is my reckoning. If you can, drop me a comment so that I know I'm writing to someone more than myself. It's a baby step to stop avoiding what I've needed to do for nearly two years. My being healthy issue isn't getting better by ignoring it.

Ok, so here's the plan:
Eating:
6 small meals a day
lean protein balanced with quality carbs
lots of veggies
plenty of fruit
portion control
What I'm not willing to do: go without my favorite things completely. I know, for me, this leads to binging.

Working out:
High intensity interval training 3 times a week
Strength training 3 times a week

This will switch up in February, and here's why: I'm am going to run the Fargo Half-Marathon in May. It's a big goal, way out there. My sister talked me into it. I have been a runner (*cough* jogger) for about 5 years, but I'm really not very good. I run very slow, and I don't enjoy it so much. I have issues with shin splints, which I ignore until they are so bad that I have to stop running for 2 months to get them to heal. I will have to figure out a way to deal with those, too.

So Fargo is on the horizon. I know that I need to be healthier and more fit to make the 13.2 miles.

I feel all these totally gross emotions. I am sad that I am so unhappy with how I look and feel. I am ashamed that I let myself go. I am sad about not being able to ignore the fact that you can't eat a whole big pile of nachos and a cupcake while watching Biggest Loser and not gain weight. I am frustrated about the long road ahead of me. I am ashamed to be seen without clothes by my husband. I feel weak, and overwhelmed, and tired, and unattractive, and like a loser for getting soft and squishy. It's quite a laundry list, but I actually feel a bit better writing it all out, getting it outside of myself for once.

I will be posting my efforts and results. It's another way to get away from avoiding what I need to do. It's a way of keeping myself accountable.